Fun with morbidity & existential despair

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

I hope you will indulge me in some Deep Thoughts--or skip this entry and come back later when I go back to ranting about my neighborhood.

I was reading a story about a woman who was with her friend when she died of cancer, who encouraged her friend to "let go," who helped her have a good death. Those last minutes were described in excruciating detail.

And I thought THERE IS NO WAY I CAN POSSIBLY DO THAT. I can't possibly face dying. Even a good death seems impossibly terrifying. But I don't have a choice, do I?

I found myself cursing at how horribly cruel this existence is. I didn't ask to be here, ask to be at all. None of us did. One day you open your eyes and here you are, you, this identity in this mysterious world, this mysterious existence. And you like it and you get attached to being, even though sometimes it is incredibly painful. And then you realize it's going to end, you're going to end, you're going to be nothing at all, and it's too terrifying to contemplate.

Hank doesn't worry about dying, and when he does die it will probably be harder for me than for him. This is the great curse of consciousness and self-awareneness. This is what it means to be human.

This is why we invent religions.

But as far as I understand it, Buddhism has a more sensible approach to the problem than those religions that cling to an idea of heaven or hell. The way to make peace with this is to learn to not be so attached to being this particular person, so when the time comes you can let go of it.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be the most important person in the world. I thought that would make me immortal. I think maturity has to do with realizing that your individual existence is short and probably not of any great importance. But it's meaningful because humanity as a whole is tremendously important, I think. I think of us as the universe's means of becoming aware of itself and knowing about itself. It's brain. Any individual neuron is not particularly important, but the system as a whole is crucial. Would anything be beautiful or terrible if we weren't here to see it? I believe in the human endeavor, in observing and learning and questioning and experiencing and making culture and evolving.

Often I think we're going to be not quite wise enough to pull it off. That our darker fears and urges will pull us down and destroy us. Thanatos will defeat eros.

Still, it means something to be here, awake and alive and observant and participating in this thing.

But I'm still afraid of the relentless process of aging and falling apart and suffering and dying and dissolving. I wish I could put time on pause until I'm ready to face it.

I think nature might have its mercies. I've read that when an animal is about to become another animal's prey, it's brain releases a chemical that causes it to be calm and not feel pain. Mr. M almost died, and he says when you get close to it, it seems very easy.

I hope nature will have mercy on Mr. M so that he has gets better and has a good chunk of time to be healthy and happy and enjoy life. I hope nature has mercy on me. I hope I will have a long and healthy life and not suffer too much and that when the end comes I will be ready and it will easy and simple and peaceful, like slipping into bathwater.

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