What the hell am I thinking?

First of all, I should say that after I called everyone I know in the state of Minnesota (four people) for word of Mr. M, I finally talked to his dad, who said that he is really wiped out but nevetheless okay--the prognosis is good. So I can stop panicking.

In other news...

I have perhaps foolishly agreed to go with Miss L to Jay's show and record release party tonight. It'll be just like regressing to old times.

Last year when I was frantically calling people trying to find a way to evacuate with Hank, I left a message with Miss L and she never called back. She never tried to get in touch with me in the days after the hurricane. After about a week or so I emailed her and she wrote back saying that she was in Houston and how she was being taken care of wonderfully and well and she was so blessed--it was disgusting. She takes positive thinking to some kind of grotesque extreme that can't admit that anything in the world is bad or wrong--even when the town you love is 80% underwater. She wants to live in some kind of dream world, and it's fake. So I didn't write back and neither did she.

Then when I was working the polls, she came in to vote and she acted so happy to see me and we hugged and I gave her my new phone number and figured why hold a grudge?

I've seen her once since then, and she called yesterday to see if I wanted to go to the show tonight. When she called back today she was talking about a musician I didn't know who was found dead today, who she said was a sweet and loving and caring guy, and to make up for his passing she said we all had to be more loving and caring, and she said, "I love you Miss H."

And I didn't say it back. Because she just dropped it on me; and it felt manipulative. And fake. Do I love Miss L? It depends on how you define the word. I feel affection for her and I care about her. I'd be there for her if she needed me--more so than she was for me--but she's the one who wants to say I love you.

And then there's Jay, who used to semi stalk me till I shook him when I moved to my new place. I heard that after he lost track of me he took up semi-stalking a friend of Miss S. Also, he's talented but he seems kind of stuck and it's depressing.

So in a way I wonder what the hell I'm doing getting reconnected with these people.

On the other hand, I'm lonely and disconnected and the whole ordeal of the last year has driven home the importance of connection. And everyone's a pain in the ass to to one extent or another. But how much of a pain in the ass? How much should you tolerate and how much should you reject?

I'll see how things go tonight...