Today was my birthday. I wasn't prepared, I had no plans. I'd been thinking about going to NYC, but I have nowhere to stay and a hotel isn't in the budget. I'm starting to worry about money again as my return to New Orleans gets closer. I'm not sure, after my last DOJ paycheck, when I'll have income again.
A low-key and slightly lonely birthday, but not really a bad one. Actually, I feel a little guilty because my aunt and cousin had wanted to take me to lunch (I didn't know till this evening) but I snuck out on my own. That, for better or worse, is typical of me--it's pretty much my m.o. I do everything to avoid people and be alone, and then feel lonely.
But, for better or worse, I'm picky about whose company I want. And the person whose company I want the most right now is MM. I don't know what to say about him, or what I should say. He's made himself a presence, once again. I'm happy about it, really happy. Happy for him, happy for me. But afraid of being a fool, a sucker, a chump, a glutton for punishment.
I learned a lot of painful lessons courtesy of the gentleman in question. I learned to let go of him, and to not take it too, too personally when he disappeared or when he got angry and bitter. To accept that I might never see or talk to him again, and I had no control of the matter, and that I just had to get on with my own life. And so I did. But he never let go of me--he never vacated my consciousness. He's never too far toward the back of my mind. I'm thrilled to have the real MM back, but I'm afraid I'm a fool to be thrilled.
He might come to visit me here before I go. All I can do is wait and see--that's all I've been doing for quite awhile.
Oh, my birthday--I went to the Corcoran Gallery and the more-depressing-than-I-remember National Zoo. It was a nice, sunny, almost-warm day. The picture was taken early in the afternoon on the Metro. I think I'm holding up okay for my advanced age, but there's no denying the forehead line. Last weekend, with my sister, we were looking at pictures from when she used to visit me in Memphis. I was stunning and I didn't even know it.
1 comment:
Happy Birthday! Some of my favorite birthdays have been low-key, so don't feel bad about not having a big production.
While I'm not someone who should ever give advice (just some random reader meandering through the blogoshpere) in my unqualified opinion - you should never be afraid to be a fool.
Best of luck - and again - Happy Birthday!
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