Romantic brain infection

The thing I hate about romantic relationships is that being in one seems to change me for the worse. When I'm alone and uncontaminated by love's brain chemistry, I am confident and sane. I may have moments of self-doubt and I may be lonely, but I don't walk around feeling the need for the approval and acceptance of the world, or of anyone in it.

But once I know someone likes me and is attracted to me, I simply can't stand the idea of losing that, even as I know I inevitably will, and it makes me insane. So I can't just appreciate the attention and care MM gives me. I want more, more, more. Yet I know nothing hastens the end of love like the constant need for reassurance.

Worse, even the attentions of a man I'm not really interested in can spur this cycle. I never wanted J to fall in love with me, for example, and I wasn't ever going to sleep with him or run off with him or whatever he wanted. Yet I didn't really want him to get over me, did I? I didn't consciously plan it out, but I inadvertantly behaved in a way guaranteed to keep him frustrated but hot for me. I'd avoid him for long stretches of time, but not too long. Then I'd seem him and flirt, but not too much, so that he might have doubts about whether I was flirting at all. And I'd duck out before he could make a move. Again, none of this was deliberate, but still--bad, bad, bad Miss H.

The thing is, if you want to cultivate a man's undying affection, or at least his undying lust, that tease and retreat method is infinitely more effective than chasing him and nagging him for more attention and affection. Yet I don't want to use any method at all. I hate, hate, hate tactical romance. I don't want to play these stupid fucking games, yet it seems necessary, seems built into our brains.

I want to be with someone, yet I hate it, and this is why. Because something so tenuous and fragile rises to primary importance and I can't stand the idea of losing it but know that I likely will. But I don't want to manipulate someone into loving me, and I don't want to turn into a cynical and iron-armored old maid just for the sake of avoiding pain.

I have to remember that I'm strong inside and fundamentally sound, and that I can survive, and that pain is inevitable no matter what, which is why its important to enjoy and embrace the good things that life has on offer--like good-night phone calls from Mr. M, whom I'd long ago given up on. I don't need to try to get more, by trick or by chase. I can just savor what's on offer.

Well, I can in theory. Whether I can in practice remains to be seen.