Emotional tornados

I peed in a cup for my government today. It was somehat less than dignified. My internship is three-quarters finished and they're just getting around to giving me a drug test.

I went back to PA for the second half of the Thanksgiving weekend and it was fun. My sister is in a better frame of mind about getting married, I think her fiance is a sweetie and a good cook, and she asked me to be the maid of honor.

But. It's cold. I'm liking DC less and less. I want to go back to New Orleans and stay, if there's still a recognizable New Orleans to live in. After all, wasn't my law school adventure partly motivated by the urge to "Defend New Orleans? I know it's going to be hard--intellectually I recognize that emotionally it's going to be harder than I can imagine right now. I talked to AD a few days ago. He's back and he sounded pretty low.

I'm trying to get a summer job, despite the best efforts of the workers in the Kinko's across the street from my office, who are so slow and incompentent it reminds me of Louisiana. I'd like to work for the Natural Resources Defense Council over the summer, if I could get the job I want.

I'll be on my way home in two weeks, but (speaking of cold) I'll be going up to the frozen tundra of the upper Midwest for Christmas through New Years. Mr. M was not blowing me off after all and I am going to see him. Such a tornado of confused emotions about that. Oh, I'm happy, definitely, happy, happy, happy. But gun-shy and doubtful and intermittently paranoid. And wasn't I recently lecturing myself and everyone else about how romance and commitment and so forth was all a crock of shit? I don't exactly take it back, either. But he's the only one who makes it seem like it might be worth the risk and bother.

He does really appreciate me, for one thing, in the way that I've always been offended that most guys don't. He makes me feel heard and understood, not always and not perfectly, but more than anyone else does. And there's the crackle and the buzz and the click and the pet names and the laughing. He can be an utter sweetheart and so adorable.

But there's a lot to be cautious about, too, most especially that he has some anger and meanness in him. Not that you can exactly blame him, considering what he's been through. But some people have a capacity for that and some don't, and I don't want to be anyone's emotional chew toy. And, too, his future is all up in the air. Maybe he'll have his operation and go on a quest for all the pussy he missed out on in the last half-dozen years, and I couldn't exactly blame him for that, either, though it would hurt. Plus I'm skeptical in general of the human capacity to retain appreciation for a good thing over time. But all I can do is wait and see...

Anyway, I think I ought not write about this too much, for the sake of his privacy and mine, at least until things are more settled. Things are too delicate right now for too much poking and prodding.